My Last 5 Diary Entries

The Three People That Actually Read This

Frontman Part 6

And so it went for a while, like heaven. He was a very patient man, especially when it came to getting what he wanted. And what he had wanted was for me to come to him. When I did this, I knew how he would view it--as my concession. He wanted me to give myself up to him, completely and fully. And I had grown weary of fighting his hold over me. So I gave in....I thought it would be ok for just a little while.

He loved it.

He reveled in it.

The sex was beautiful. He could make me wet with a look, he could bring me to my knees with a touch. His favorite position for me was simply prone. He made me laugh and cry and beg�.and lead. And he taught me well. I could leave him in agony, or as sated as a little boy. And my favorite position was deep.

It didn�t matter when or where. When he reached for me, I was ready. I would like to say that I turned away at times, that I was too tired or too sore. Or too preoccupied with my own thoughts, too anything. I was sometimes all of those things. But as I said before his want of me was like a drug. Sometimes I felt like I had never stood a chance�even from the beginning. And so after a while I began to rebel as it is not in my nature to be submissive.

He was intense, and that is hard to live with. Once, we were standing on a balcony talking and watching the night. And it started to rain, hard. I wanted to go in because I didn�t have much on and was freezing. He just stood there with this pleading in his eyes until I acquiesced. Then he came up behind me and held me. And we stood in the rain for half an hour without speaking. Later, he said what he liked about it, was that the only warmth either of us felt were the places we were touching.

We traveled a lot. I hated riding on the �bus�: it was totally boring and cramped. It had a back room that we all switched off on. When we were stuck in the front, it was best at night. When and if everyone would turn out the lights, you could watch the highway and the land blur past.

I LOVED the groupies. They were hilarious�did you know there are guy groupies too? Anyway, the groupies would do just about anything (or anyone) you ask them to. One of the dudes even ask if he could sleep with me once because I slept with his idol�weirdo. They were mostly very sweet people though-who loved music and fun. The girls either loved or hated me, one in particular hated me, let�s call her �Heather�.

She was a child. She was tolerated because she was hot. She did little things�steal my make-up. �Accidentally� put her cigarette out in my cup, go down on my boyfriend when he was drunk.

Oh.

Yeah right, fucking oh.

To be fair we were all quite drunk but I have never seen that as a valid excuse. I walked in on them. Of course I WOULD have the good luck to �catch them in the act".

They didn�t see me.

I left so fast my own head spun. I couldn�t breathe. I felt like fire and ice. It has always been my first instinct to run. But where could I go�it was a fucking bus.

So I went back in.

His head was back and his eyes were closed. I felt calmer then and I made a decision. I said �is this your round about way of telling me it�s over?�.Time stopped. He opened his eyes. He looked down at her like an unbiased observer and then he looked up at me.

Everything clicked in.

Looking back it was almost comical what happened next. Almost.

He sort of jump-zipped and knocked her over in the process. I wasn�t particularly concerned with her. Neither was he. He was across the room in two strides and went for me. I backed away and said the only thing I could. �Don�t�. And then I turned away from him because I was starting to cry. I couldn't bear to show my hurt. I meant to leave but he grabbed my hand and said �please�. I started to pull away but he tightened his grip and said it again��please�. I bowed my head as an assent and stayed put. He reached past me and opened the door for her. She left without a glance from either of us.

He came up behind me and put his arms around me. I thought of the rain then, and how we were in yet another storm. I wondered what would keep us warm this time.

in - out