My Last 5 Diary Entries

The Three People That Actually Read This

Frontman part 5

Three days. I have to admit that even I was surprised. He was, let�s just say abashed. I-- was nervous. But he was totally hands off and trying not to spook me. We talked about everything and nothing for around an hour and then he left. I half expected him to tip his hat on the way out the door.

My new �roommate� Katherine, was thrilled. She hadn�t known�and WHY hadn�t I told her??? She soo wanted me to stay then, and I have to admit I wasn�t opposed since I didn�t have anywhere else to go. So I took a few classes when the fall semester started and things got, in a weird way, back to normal.

Except he was there everyday.

Alone and sweet.

I begged and threatened Katherine to keep her ass quiet and to her credit she didn�t really tell that many people. But she was totally in love with him and every little starry eyed bitch that came over was completely blown away. He was exceedingly charming. I think it�s in the frontman handbook that you have to be able to entertain at least ten tarts at a sitting. To be fair some of these girls were truly my friends and they tried their dammdest not to want him. I think�.I think he was trying to turn things around on me a little. He was very polite and cool to me. He barely spoke to me and touched me only once a day. Each night before he left, he would put his arms around my waist and lean in to brush my cheek with his lips.

I was getting annoyed.

Every night he was there, laughing and joking, playing music and drinking games. Everyone around him was so endeared by him. And the most hilarious part was-- they couldn�t understand why I was being so bitchy. They figured he was just misunderstood. (he played that up for all it was worth.) How in the fuck did I turn out to be the bad guy? I mean I�m not saying I was a saint, but hell.

So�I handled it. In the worst way. With my brilliant knack for picking the worst possible time, I waited until we were both drunk on a Friday night and picked a fight. This ended with him looking wounded and me screaming that I hated his fucking guts and never wanted to see his face again.

And then he left.

And then everyone hated me.

And then I was quite devastated.

I had gotten used to him. This quiet silly boy that I had been watching for two months. Why was this so confusing? Plus, I never thought it would be so hard to deal with every friend you have being pissed at you at the same time. So�I ran away again.

I did go home this time. I didn�t eat or sleep for a week. I got a job and I tried to be normal. I looked up some old friends and went on a date with this idiot guy who was an EMT. (he wasn�t an idiot because he was an EMT he was an idiot in spite of the fact.) At any rate that didn�t last long.

Especially after the album came out.

That was hard. I bought it (of course) and one of the songs especially struck me as somewhat-----familiar. It was a song I hadn�t heard before and it goes a little something like this:

My hands are rough

My fingers cold

If you�re reaching out to me, then I�ll take hold.

My fingers numb

My hands are tied

If I�m reaching

Your not there, feel like I�ve died

No turning back

No setting free

Don�t give your love away in front of me

Your so na�ve

Your eyes they lie

The blow I landed wasn�t all that made you cry

I�m waiting here

Upon this cross

I�m waiting here for you

Don�t leave me lost

No turning back

No setting free

Don�t give your love to him instead of me

So then I had to see him. Just one more time. I figured that if I just went to a concert, that I could watch him perform and he would never know.

It was like the first time.

It was so strange and funny to watch him from afar. He was a different person. I felt sort of detached, also longing. The drive home took about two hours and the next day at work I was exhausted. The only thing I wanted to do when I left, was feel my way beneath the sheets. He was sitting on my car.

I knew then that he knew.

Everything.

The thing that disgusted me the most was that my first feeling was relief. I gave in. He held me in his arms and I felt like a stone. But I couldn�t stop myself from melting. That night we drove to the shore. He told me we were new. Clean. He told me that he wanted to take me home. And when he covered me, and I lay back beneath him, it did feel a bit like coming home.

in - out