My Last 5 Diary Entries

The Three People That Actually Read This

Frontman part 4

My front man-as I will call him, once told me that in writing, the one thing that you question, the thing you want to take out, the line that makes you feel the most vulnerable will be the best line. I am trying for that as I write this and sometimes it takes a lot out of me,so bear with me.

Let�s get back to dark man (the friend)�..Did you ever have a time in your life when you clicked with two people? When everyone else was by far- less. Less superior, less intelligent, less funny, less attractive, less everything. Nobody else gets it. Well, this was one of those times.

I call him dark man because his songs were very dark. He was also a little kooky; he didn�t quite fit the mold of what he was. I was drawn to that. We all ate meals together everyday and sometimes front man would sleep late (ditsy ass-the girlfriend was history at this point) so we would take coffee (tea for me) and go out on the deck, we liked to watch the early morning sun and the stillness. Everything is so much more lighthearted in the morning-it makes you feel safer. Also, in the morning it is ok to talk in whispers.

He started off every conversation with �what are you thinking about?� We talked about movies, my family, his family-how he missed them sometimes, how he wished he�d finished college and how I should go back. We both had good friends who had passed away not long before, and we talked about what that felt like. We never once even skimmed the surface of the subject of front man.

That isn�t true.

Once he told me that he wanted a girl front man was with- so he waited until they were on stage at a show together and he brought the girl on stage. He sang to her and at the end he kissed her. After that she was his. He said that front man just laughed and let her go. He said he never even held a grudge or mentioned it again. He looked directly at me when he said that.

And I burned.

I think maybe it was a mixture of a warning and a plea. He started touching me not long after that. Very little things that I almost thought I imagined. Front man kept me very close- so I didn�t really think it was anything but innocent.

And I felt guilty because I enjoyed it.

He would walk on the other side of me and take my arm. He would grab my hair. He would pull me onto his lap or come up behind me and whisper very softly in my ear.

I ask again- do you know what it is like to have two men want you. Jesus Christ it will make you go crazy. It is all you will think about and at the same time, you won�t be able to think at all. One will have his arm around your waist with his thumb on your bare midriff and one will have his arm around your shoulders with his fingertips on your neck. At first you can�t breathe- and then it almost starts to feel normal, like that is how it always was.

I think my front man knew about this on more than a few levels. I think he even liked it on more than a few levels. He liked to see me flustered. He liked to see me a little uncomfortable. He liked to see me handled. He knew whose bed I was coming back to. He loved to see me blush, he would do things like pull me down to him in front of dark man and say �baby blue come here and tell me how you want me to fuck you tonight- long and slow like I did last night-or fast and hard like I�m gonna to do tomorrow night?�(hey-his words not mine.) I would get pissed off then and they both though that was cute. I should mention two things at this point: first, dark man was no innocent he too knew what was going on, and second that both of these men were around ten years older than me. This made for a constant game of cat and mouse.

Except they were lions.

So then the three of us went away together. They decided they needed a break and somehow hit on the idea of camping. Their idea of �camping� was to get a lot of beer and a lot of pot and rent a �cabin� somewhere �up in the fucking mountains�. This turned out not to be too bad as I am a girl to the end and managed to scrounge up some food and a few other boring things that keep you moving easily through your daily life. The cabin wasn�t bad. It was clean and had a great view. It had only one bedroom. It was a big bed. Dark man said he would sleep on the couch. Problem solved. Except that there was no door. No one else seemed to notice this and I was not going to be the one to point it out. I wrongly assumed that instead of sleeping in our normal fashion, we would just wear clothes. Front man was not one to give a fuck about being naked or what other people thought or heard. So the first night was a little embarrassing for me. And afterward, I lay in the darkness and wonder what the other was thinking.

The next day was uneventful, we went swimming, we got high, we cooked a horrible dinner and then got drunk. Front man was tired and about to pass out; he wanted to go to bed. So I went with him. We lay facing each other whispering a little before we fell asleep as was our custom. I actually fell asleep quickly that night, which is not my custom.

When I woke up it was deep night and dark man was there. I knew it even before I felt him behind me. He pulled himself against me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He was inside me before I could even think. My first instinct was to draw up and away but he had me firmly by the hips and he pulled me back to him.

And it felt soo good.

My mind was screaming don�t do this, my body was screaming you want this. Every time he moved in me was exquisite agony. I came so hard I gasped.

And that was when front man opened his eyes.

My blood froze in my veins. There are a few things in my life that I have thought about a hundred times and wanted to take back. The previous ten minutes��was not one of those times.

In my eyes in that instant he read that and also the mind numbing fear. If it hadn�t been for my eyes I don�t think he would have come so fully awake so quickly and I don�t think he would have actually realized what had just happened. To say he went ballistic would be a small thing. The next few minutes are sort of a blur�I remember dark man grabbing a blanket and trying to reason with him. I remember being called a cunt and a whore and a bitch. And then he put his jeans on and left.

I sure didn�t follow.

Dark man said it would be better if he went. I took a shower and cried a little. I got dressed and sat by the window in a chair. I couldn�t face that bed again. It was dark and a little chilly by the window, I drifted a little. He came back not long before dawn. I watched him look for me in the bed and saw the panic in his face when I wasn�t there. That surprised me.

Then he saw me and his face changed a bit.

It wasn�t pretty. Consider yourself warned. He took me by my arm and yanked me out of the chair, he pushed me against the wall on the far side of the bed where there was about a foot of space, and pinned me there with his body. He came very close (he had been drinking again) and whispered �why the fuck did you do that�. I honestly didn�t know what to say. What could I have said? Because I�m nineteen and your both hot and we�ve all been dicking around with this for months. In the end I just sort of sobbed and said I was sorry. He leaned in close to my ear and said �you will never do this again, and you will never forget that you are mine� and then he pulled back and slapped me across the face.

Ok, now might be a good time to mention that no man has ever done that to me before, also I mentioned earlier that I am Italian- I do have the temper. This temper has gotten me in to trouble a number of times. Not so much since I have grown up a little but it was still quite raw then. My adrenaline level went from 3 to 304. The first words out of my mouth were � you motherfucker� I pushed him, hard. He stumbled back on to the bed and I straddled him and started screaming and hitting him. I think he was shocked and actually a little bemused, until I made contact. He wasn�t smiling anymore then, he was dead calm. In one movement he locked his legs around me, turned me over, and had my arms pinned over my head.

So this would be one of those times when my temper got me in trouble.

He was everywhere. He was all over me. Kissing me, biting me, hurting me, loving me. When he went for my jeans he had to let go of my wrists. I tried hitting and writhing and kicking but it was a little past that point. So I tried turning over and crawling away. He got me by one ankle and dragged me back. He was very strong. He split my legs with his knee and then it was over. He slammed into me. I was not ready or willing, it hurt like fuck. I was angry again trying to buck him off. He grabbed me by my hair then and pulled my face up to his. What I saw in his eyes was hurt, pain, a little hate, more love, and that he was very,very, turned on. What he saw in my eyes must have stopped him because he slowed down. He went just as deep, and just as hard, but he went there slowly and he stared at my face the whole time. I hated him. And then I hated myself�..because I started to move with him. The tide of my body flooded my mind and I was consumed again. After, he stayed where he was and we fell asleep. At some point we must have rolled apart because when I woke up I was bruised and sore but intact on my side of the bed. He was sleeping deeply.

I left.

I very quietly got my clothes and got the fuck out. I didn�t know what I was doing- but I knew that what I had been doing was NOT healthy. My only thoughts were to run. I got on a bus but I couldn�t go home to my parents, not like this. So I headed back to my old college town. Everyone moved out of the apartment I had been sharing but I knew a girl who was in summer school and she let me stay with her. After that it only took him three days to find me.

in - out